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Many of us with ADHD or autism are so used to being criticized and so used to having difficulty that it’s much easier to think that we have more weaknesses than we will ever have strengths. It doesn’t help that those who are looking to support us also have a tendency to emphasize our challenges. They do this by encouraging us to work diligently to overcome our weaknesses instead of living from our strengths. Now before you scream, “I DON’T DO THAT” at your computer screen, please bear with me and I will explain. The obvious problem with emphasis on reducing or eliminating weaknesses is that you only get to develop the things to which you give your time and attention. So how do you learn to discover and develop your strengths with so little time and attention given to doing so? What Makes Me Confident? It is in living from our strengths that we have the greatest likelihood of experiencing a feeling of competence and success more often. It’s the exper...

Many of us with ADHD or autism are so used to being criticized and so used to having difficulty that it’s much easier to think that we have more weaknesses than we will ever have strengths. It doesn’t help that those who are looking to support us also have a tendency to emphasize our challenges. They do this by encouraging us to work diligently to overcome our weaknesses instead of living from our strengths. Now before you scream, “I DON’T DO THAT” at your computer screen, please bear with me and I will explain. The obvious problem with emphasis on reducing or eliminating weaknesses is that you only get to develop the things to which you give your time and attention. So how do you learn to discover and develop your strengths with so little time and attention given to doing so? What Makes Me Confident? It is in living from our strengths that we have the greatest likelihood of experiencing a feeling of competence and success more often. It’s the exper...

A question that comes up repeatedly from parents and spouses of spectrumites is “Is it the Asperger’s or is he just being difficult?” Some say (and I can relate) “Sometimes he can be a real ass.” There have been plenty of times when I’ve been an ASS and needed to be called on it and take responsibility for it. Bottom line, it isn’t a question of Asperger’s versus typical, it is a question of to what degree the child, teen or adult on the spectrum is able to consciously choose   their behavior. By consciously choosing I’m referring to whether the person is aware of what options exist for how to respond in a given situation. When I work with my sons and clients I emphasize personal responsibility and self awareness among other things. Through observation I make note of what aggravates and calms them and then I point it out in a way that they’re likely to hear it. I might say, “I notice you seem more re...

A question that comes up repeatedly from parents and spouses of spectrumites is “Is it the Asperger’s or is he just being difficult?” Some say (and I can relate) “Sometimes he can be a real ass.” There have been plenty of times when I’ve been an ASS and needed to be called on it and take responsibility for it. Bottom line, it isn’t a question of Asperger’s versus typical, it is a question of to what degree the child, teen or adult on the spectrum is able to consciously choose   their behavior. By consciously choosing I’m referring to whether the person is aware of what options exist for how to respond in a given situation. When I work with my sons and clients I emphasize personal responsibility and self awareness among other things. Through observation I make note of what aggravates and calms them and then I point it out in a way that they’re likely to hear it. I might say, “I notice you seem more re...

Giving a child a copy of notes for each class does NOT remove accountability from the student nor does it give the student permission to tune out. What it DOES do is prevent a child’s brain from becoming worn out as a result of having to rapidly and repeatedly transition between whiteboard and notebook, often while applying extra concentration to write legibly with clumsy fingers all while being reminded by his teacher to “pay attention,” while also being expected to remember a series of three instructions long enough to execute them. Where is it written that the key to successful learning is manually  writing  notes into a notebook the moment a statement is uttered by an instructor? Hint, it isn’t written anywhere. If a student has difficulty multitasking and processing at the speed a teacher teaches, why not allow the student to audio record the lesson and listen to it later at her own pace? Allowing her to pause whenever she needs to in order to ty...

Giving a child a copy of notes for each class does NOT remove accountability from the student nor does it give the student permission to tune out. What it DOES do is prevent a child’s brain from becoming worn out as a result of having to rapidly and repeatedly transition between whiteboard and notebook, often while applying extra concentration to write legibly with clumsy fingers all while being reminded by his teacher to “pay attention,” while also being expected to remember a series of three instructions long enough to execute them. Where is it written that the key to successful learning is manually  writing  notes into a notebook the moment a statement is uttered by an instructor? Hint, it isn’t written anywhere. If a student has difficulty multitasking and processing at the speed a teacher teaches, why not allow the student to audio record the lesson and listen to it later at her own pace? Allowing her to pause whenever she needs to in order to ty...

Much of what is portrayed for us either through reality programming or fictional depictions of life celebrates being the best, being the winner as the most meaningful outcome. I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t strive to excel because continuing to refine ourselves improves our lives and the lives of those around us. Unfortunately, it leaves many, especially those with special needs who frequently feel like they’re stumbling through life, believing that success is beyond them. It’s sad when you meet people who measure success as a day without feeling foolish, being criticized or being made to feel like an inconvenience to someone else. We are routinely fed the suggestion that grand, sweeping gestures of accomplishment matter most.  They are indeed impressive, but a single event doesn’t tell the whole story. The whole story would depict how this person lives her everyday life. The countless hours of dedicated practice of skill or the ...

Much of what is portrayed for us either through reality programming or fictional depictions of life celebrates being the best, being the winner as the most meaningful outcome. I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t strive to excel because continuing to refine ourselves improves our lives and the lives of those around us. Unfortunately, it leaves many, especially those with special needs who frequently feel like they’re stumbling through life, believing that success is beyond them. It’s sad when you meet people who measure success as a day without feeling foolish, being criticized or being made to feel like an inconvenience to someone else. We are routinely fed the suggestion that grand, sweeping gestures of accomplishment matter most.  They are indeed impressive, but a single event doesn’t tell the whole story. The whole story would depict how this person lives her everyday life. The countless hours of dedicated practice of skill or the ...

“All I can tell you really is if you get to the point where someone is telling you that you are not great or not good enough, just follow your heart and don’t let anybody crush your dream.” – Patti LaBelle While listening to others talk about their day do you frequently hear value judgements made toward others? Comments such as, “He’s not motivated enough”, “He doesn’t have enough discipline,” “She’s not applying herself enough,” “She’s not taking enough risks in life.” Even more striking are the comments people make about themselves. “I’m not smart enough,” “I’m not pretty enough,” “I don’t win enough,” “I’m not good enough.” One of my questions in response to these statements is,  compared to  who ? We live in a society where we are at our best when working together, though we seem to go out of our way to co...

“All I can tell you really is if you get to the point where someone is telling you that you are not great or not good enough, just follow your heart and don’t let anybody crush your dream.” – Patti LaBelle While listening to others talk about their day do you frequently hear value judgements made toward others? Comments such as, “He’s not motivated enough”, “He doesn’t have enough discipline,” “She’s not applying herself enough,” “She’s not taking enough risks in life.” Even more striking are the comments people make about themselves. “I’m not smart enough,” “I’m not pretty enough,” “I don’t win enough,” “I’m not good enough.” One of my questions in response to these statements is,  compared to  who ? We live in a society where we are at our best when working together, though we seem to go out of our way to co...

“When you complement your children, praise them for inner qualities such as kindness, honesty and perseverance so they will strive to contribute to the world in meaningful ways.” – Toni Schutta   When my boys were younger they came to believe that their primary purpose in this world was to be a source of frustration for others. They spent so much time on the receiving end of correction that it was difficult to see themselves as more than a broken human being in constant need of repair. As they struggled with autism and all the difficulties it brings, all they were really trying to do was find the valuable part of themselves that the world would appreciate. I did a lot of traveling over the past week as I presented to various groups on the communication strategies I’ve learned over the years. It was an exchange with a mother during the final presentation of the week that stands out most in my mind. She has a young daughter on the spectrum with very low...

“Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one had no time to write down.” -  Hector Berlioz If you have a learning challenge that affects the way your brain processes information here is a truth that you MUST accept if you are ever to lead a full life. Ready? Your brain is unreliable. I’ve met countless of my fellow autism spectrumites who have fallen into the trap of immaculate perception – the belief that their perception is in some way infallible and everyone else is wrong. At one time I found myself in a similar trap and do you know where I ended up? Alone, that’s where. The fact is, no brain, whether its workings have a label or not sees everything. We miss things either when we’re stressed, tired, scattered or whatever the reason. For many of us (myself included) scattered is our default setting. We can either see ourselves as victims or see our circumstances as a miraculous opportunity ...